Casa de Chaos

One of the most beautifully situated restaurants in the world....

Sat, 25 May 2013 05:18:34 -0400

One of the most beautifully situated restaurants in the world. Obviously, mere mortals like you and I cannot afford to eat there. (at EZE Sur MER)

View from my friend’s parents’ house in a medieval...

Mon, 20 May 2013 10:02:34 -0400

View from my friend’s parents’ house in a medieval village outside of Nice. Needless to say, it’s incredible. (at Cagnes-sur-Mer)

Some good options here, direction-wise.

Mon, 20 May 2013 10:00:57 -0400

Some good options here, direction-wise.

Germans are so polite and nice, but my god, I find their language to be just soul-crushing right...

Sun, 19 May 2013 02:22:13 -0400

Germans are so polite and nice, but my god, I find their language to be just soul-crushing right now. The constant blast of announcements in the airport is killing me. It’s 7:30am here, but 1:30am to my body.

My brain is on fire. Remind me next time to do a long layover in Madrid or something. Better yet, remind me to win the lottery so I can buy myself fancy nonstop tickets.

There is a woman online for boarding with wonderfully frizzy and curly hair a la Alex Kingston. One...

Sat, 18 May 2013 16:45:19 -0400

There is a woman online for boarding with wonderfully frizzy and curly hair a la Alex Kingston. One of her carry on items is a helium balloon reading “welcome home!”

Is it terrible to hope that I’m not sharing an aisle with a helium balloon for 7 hours? Seems like it could get annoying.

There are a lot of odd-looking people waiting at the gate with me for the flight to Dusseldorf...

Sat, 18 May 2013 16:41:49 -0400

There are a lot of odd-looking people waiting at the gate with me for the flight to Dusseldorf (dusseldorf! Try not to be too jealous). Milo cried today when I was leaving, but my father quickly assuaged his tears with the promise of an ice cream purchase. Apparently, chocolate chip ice cream was purchased at the store after I left.

I miss them already, an emotion I can only attribute to the fact that my parents got up with them this morning at the crack of dawn, letting me sleep until 8am.

I’m nervous. But excited! I’ve had two drinks at the airport, so am hoping that the ingestion of a Xanax or two once we depart will help me to snooze for a bit on this first leg of my trip.

Also of note: the gentleman who checked me in exclaimed “only 1 suitcase? And such a small carry on? For a week in France? Madame, I am impressed!” But perhaps that was his way of subtly informing me that I was woefully underprepared for a trip to the French Riviera?

Last drink on American soil for 8 days. (at Drink Martini Bar)

Sat, 18 May 2013 16:24:23 -0400

Last drink on American soil for 8 days. (at Drink Martini Bar)

All it took was three days of 5am wake ups to put me back in brain-fog crazytown. My mom swears that...

Fri, 17 May 2013 07:02:39 -0400

All it took was three days of 5am wake ups to put me back in brain-fog crazytown. My mom swears that the baby woke up at least once last night, and that I got up to give him a bottle. I don’t have any memory of this, but I suppose I could have sleepwalked my way through it.

Thank the good lord for the diner in our neighborhood that opens at 7am and for the good grandparents that cheerfully woke up at 6am to get dressed and take their grandsons out to breakfast there.

Coffee, do your magic. I have so much to get done today!

My closet is filled with things too stained or holey or otherwise ruined to wear them in public...

Thu, 16 May 2013 13:30:08 -0400

My closet is filled with things too stained or holey or otherwise ruined to wear them in public anymore. I hold on to them though. Not for any sentimental reason, but just because I have a hard time throwing things out. I recycle religiously. I use cloth diapers 95% of the time. I never use paper plates or plastic cutlery. I do these things because I hate the idea of things ending up needlessly in a landfill. It makes me agitated just to think about it.

And yet, friends, when the baby took an enormously and horrifyingly explosive poop at the museum on Wednesday, a poop so explosive that it escaped the diaper and went up the backside and down his legs, I have to admit that I threw his whole fucking outfit in the trash. I just couldn’t face the idea of carrying it around for another hour and then home on the subway during rush hour and then trying to wash it out by hand once we got home. While I was dealing with Zachary, Milo discovered the automatic foaming soap dispenser. By the time I got Z’s clothes off and a new diaper on, Milo had accumulated approximately 900 cubic inches of soap all over his body. Everybody has their breaking point, and that was where I found mine.

And since he was on his second outfit of the outing already, Zachary got to spend the remainder of the outing wearing nothing by a diaper and a denim jacket. It was like pushing around a baby Matthew McConaughey. Classy!

My parents arrive this afternoon, and I’m leaving for France on Saturday (Matt left on...

Thu, 16 May 2013 08:04:32 -0400

My parents arrive this afternoon, and I’m leaving for France on Saturday (Matt left on Tuesday). The baby has been really considerate and thoughtful the past two days, waking me up at 4:52 and 4:57 these mornings so that I can get a jump start on adjusting to a time zone change. Thanks Senor Gordito!

It feels weird to think about leaving the boys. We’ve left Milo for a few days before, but this will be the first time I’ve left Zachary. It’s even weirder knowing I’ll be traveling by myself. I can’t remember the last time I went somewhere by myself. I’m meeting one of my best friends in Nice, and we’ll meet up with Matt in Cannes on Tuesday so it’s not like I’m taking a vacation alone. But I’ll be getting on an airplane! By myself! Sitting in a seat next to strangers! Enduring a 7 hour layover in Dusseldorf by myself! No one else to be responsible for or worry about. I might read a book (more than 7 pages at a time!) or drink an inappropriately-early glass of wine at the airport, who knows.

I’m slightly bummed that the weather is predicted to be pretty crap the whole time I’m there. I was counting on it being sunny and warm when I was carefully (and with the personal shopper-esque assistance of Bageldreams!) trying to buy some clothes that actually fit me and weren’t covered in yogurt/squeezie/booger stains. I now have quite a few pretty dresses and sandals and other warm-weather things, but no light jacket or cardigans that haven’t been totally trashed in the last three years by small children tugging at me or using me as their own personal giant tissue.

With this in mind, I made a rather last ditch and desperate attempt to find some kind of non-denim jacket yesterday even though shopping with two small recalcitrant children in tow is a fool’s errand. Found nothing in the end, but discovered that quick and purposeful shopping with Milo in tow can be done! All it took to keep him in the stroller and fairly quiet were the crafty offerings of lollipops at strategic times. What’s a few cavities in the ol’ baby teeth, right? (Don’t worry, guys. I gave him those organic fruit juice lollipops. I’m pretty sure those are practically like eating a piece of fruit straight from the tree, right?)

The best moment was when I quickly tried this kind of weird but potentially cute jacket on at Zara. The baby was snoozing (and, as I later discovered, taking a horrifyingly explosive poop), and I didn’t think Milo was paying me and my sartorial options any mind. As I looked at myself in the mirror, Milo took the lollipop out of his mouth to tell me “that’s a ugly coat, mama!” and then went back to slurping.

Obviously, I did not buy the jacket.

I’ve been sneaking looks at photos from Milo’s first months a lot this week. I...

Thu, 16 May 2013 06:52:18 -0400

I’ve been sneaking looks at photos from Milo’s first months a lot this week. I can’t believe this guy is about to turn three next week!

One of our earliest moments together. He was so tiny, not even seven pounds and maybe 19 inches long. Hard to believe three years have gone by!

I mean honestly a bottle of bourbon and a year’s supply ...

Mon, 13 May 2013 09:47:55 -0400

I mean honestly a bottle of bourbon and a year’s supply of Xanax might have been a more welcome Mother’s Day gift, but a hand-made card and bouquet of “flowers” is nothing to sneeze at. #mykidaintmonet #butilovehimanyway

Milo read somewhere that mixing stripes is very “in”...

Thu, 09 May 2013 19:50:11 -0400

Milo read somewhere that mixing stripes is very “in” right now. #whentoddlersdressthemselves

Somehow gravely miscalculated with bedtimes tonight....

Wed, 08 May 2013 22:08:45 -0400

Somehow gravely miscalculated with bedtimes tonight. Matt’s out late, so I thought I’d let Milo skip his nap & just go to bed early, maybe 7:30ish. Z is usually passed out by 7. Instead, Milo passed out on couch at 6:35, while this party animal here was still going strong at 8:15. I can only assume Milo will be up and at ‘em around 5:15am. (at Casa de Chaos)

In case the author of “Go the F**k to Sleep” is interested in writing a follow-up book,...

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 16:15:13 -0400

In case the author of “Go the F**k to Sleep” is interested in writing a follow-up book, may I suggest the title “Stay the F**k Still So I Can Wipe the Poop from Your Butt.”

I know most of my posts lately have been total bummers, but it isn’t all doom and gloom around...

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 20:36:15 -0400

I know most of my posts lately have been total bummers, but it isn’t all doom and gloom around here (JUST MOSTLY). There are, thankfully, always some moments of levity.

Favorite Milo moment of the week: I was putting Zachary to bed the other night (I’ve finally moved Zachary into his crib in the boys’ room, hooray!) I was rocking Zachary while singing Edelweiss, I heard the door creak open and saw Milo tiptoe across the room. I whispered to him to go back to the living room, but he shook his head. He stood there for a moment, then began to sing along very softly with me as he did some weird interpretive dance to Edelweiss, complete with a mix of very funny hand gestures, Axl Rose-esque head weaves and bobs, and over the top, wobbly arabesques. I had a hard time stifling my laughter long enough to put the baby into his bed.

Favorite Zachary moment of the week: Earlier today while Milo was at school, Zachary was crawling around their bedroom while I was putting things away. He found a toy bottle, the one that goes with Milo’s baby doll. He picked it up, examined it closely then (logically, I suppose) tilted it up to try to drink from it. He frowned as nothing came out. He tilted it up again, sucking vigorously. It was to no avail, obviously. He looked at it again, frowning while turning red from frustration. He banged the bottle on the bed frame. He tried, once more, to drink again. When it didn’t work the third time, he flew into a fit of rage fit quite worthy of Tom Thumb from a Tale of Two Bad Mice. Zachary banged that bottle into the floor, against the bed and then against the dresser, all whilst screaming with rage. He then looked over at me, gave me a genuine “harumph” and crawled grimly over to the wastebasket. He sat up, tipped the wastebasket toward him and threw that toy bottle inside with such finality that I felt quite sorry for myself imagining what kind of surly teenager he’s going to make when thwarted.

Oh hey, neighbors who felt the need to bang on their ceiling at 3am, thanks for letting me know that...

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 14:53:14 -0400

Oh hey, neighbors who felt the need to bang on their ceiling at 3am, thanks for letting me know that we should really try to shut our baby up. It hadn’t occurred to me that it was rude and possibly disruptive to your sleep! Stupid sick babies who are also cutting three teeth simultaneously are major bummers, amirite?

I mean, I’m not in the least bothered by the baby crying at 3am because I love being awake in the middle of the night trying to soothe a sick baby. Waking up at 3am is just kind of my jam, I guess. I totally forgot that not everyone feels that way! Thanks for banging on the fucking ceiling and reminding me that not everyone loves the sounds of crying, inconsolable babies like I do!

(I hope this jerk has a baby someday and it is the most colicky, high-needs baby of all time. Also, as much as I would like to move to a different apartment, part of me is spitefully glad that we’re renewing our lease. At least one more year of children overhead, you pricks!)

(Ugh, sorry. I am usually much more apologetic and considerate and generally feel bad if our kids are annoying other people, but NOT THIS WEEK.)

I think the thing that is so frustrating to me (and I’m sure I’m not alone in this)...

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 11:10:24 -0400

I think the thing that is so frustrating to me (and I’m sure I’m not alone in this) about parenting a difficult toddler is that there’s this nagging sense of personal failure mixed into the aggravation and frustration. Like, if an adult acted this way toward me, I could just dismiss that person as some fucking asshole who needs therapy. But Milo is just a little kid, barely out of babyhood. I know that he is not setting out to purposefully piss me off (although I assume that will come in his teenage years). He’s a very sensitive, highly emotional kid, and I think that he is just constantly overwhelmed by huge rushes of conflicting emotions. I feel like I’m failing him somehow by not being able to figure out how to effectively guide him through this difficult time in his emotional development.

Thanks to all of you, as always, who wrote with suggestions and commiserations and reassurances. I’m doing a lot of research. Matt and I are going to France (by ourselves!) next month, and I think that week will give me some much needed time to reset myself. In July, Milo will go to a local day camp twice a week all day, which will give me some alone time with Zachary and probably do a lot to help my sanity and patience. In the meantime, bear with me as I continue to bitch and moan a bit.

You know what though? Here’s to not letting your rotten kid ruin your day. Because, I mean,...

Tue, 16 Apr 2013 15:54:43 -0400

You know what though? Here’s to not letting your rotten kid ruin your day. Because, I mean, fuck that. I got up off the couch, I picked up the living room, I swept, I cleaned the kitchen. I started prepping the veggies to make a lasagna (that I’m sure Milo will refuse to eat for some reason, probably because he hates flavor). When Milo wakes up, we’re gonna start over. Clean slate. Maybe we’ll make a cake. Today might need a cake.

The real stars of salvaging this day though are the bands of New Zealand’s Flying Nun label who got me up off the couch and out of my funk. Various David/Hamish Kilgour bands, 3Ds, Tall Dwarfs, etc. New Zealand indie rock is kind of my spirit animal.

It’s just one of those days. After a night of Zachary waking 3 times between midnight and...

Tue, 16 Apr 2013 14:35:21 -0400

It’s just one of those days. After a night of Zachary waking 3 times between midnight and five, both boys woke up for good at 5:15 this morning ready to party. I brought them out to the living room, put on the Aristocats for Milo, threw some toys down in front of Zachary, placed toast quarters with butter around the room. Laid down on the couch and dozed a bit. Woke Matt up at 6:30 to take over.

Apartment is trashed. Milo spent a good portion of playground time this morning acting like a jerk. Zachary fussing as per usual. My household today is basically an advertisement for birth control.

I don’t really like my kids right now, which I realize is a fucked up thing to say, especially in the light of tragedy and loss on a scale like yesterday’s. I should be hugging them close to me and reveling in their sweet cuddles, but instead I just count down the minutes in between nap and bedtime. I especially don’t like Milo. If he doesn’t stop hitting me, kicking me, throwing tantrums and screaming in my face, I’m going to lose my mind. I’m reading all the parenting books, I’m scouring the web for suggestions and blogs and methods. I’m trying. Some days are ok. Today isn’t one of them. I don’t necessarily regret having children because I do actually love them and I assume it’s going to get better at some point, but I guess it’s ok to admit that sometimes I wish that toddler boarding school was a real thing.